Dark Night of the Soul

It was a year or so ago when I and Mikael spoke about the "Dark Night of the Soul", a wintry season in life that St. John of the Cross phrased. I encouraged my son to keep trudging through the deep snow and march on with the strength and courage God provides.

Now that Mikael is gone, I find myself wandering sightlessly, aimlessly, and restlessly through the anguish of my dark night.

I am overcome by the "Great Sadness" as so aptly described in William P. Young's acclaimed fiction of redemption, healing, and forgiveness, The Shack.

God, when will I be whole again? Or, will I ever?

Jesus, You are the Light of the world. Come and provide me with a glimpse of your hope, please.

The Continuing Misadventures of Mikael Chan's Family

The day before Remembrance Day, our third son, Mikael, 25, took his own life. He had been suffering from deep depression for at least over two years.

Now, Mikael is safely in the arms of his Heavenly Father, free from pain and unhappiness.

We have been surrounded by so many people who love us and mourn along with us for the past week.

Mikael had a blog that documented his life's many adventures, most of which were misadventures, as he put it.

Read Mikael's "misadventure" blog at mikaelsmisadventures.blogspot.com

Now that Mikael is gone, his family seems to carry on his misadventurous tradition.

The upstairs toilet conduit sprang a leak. Water fell from the ceiling of the living room where family members and guests sit, visit, and mourn.

I called my friend, Chris, to come and help. Bless his brotherly heart and mechanical savvy, he was able to diagnosed and treat the problem for the time being. Now we have a gaping hole in the living room ceilng above where Debbie usually sits.

Yesterday, the entire family went to see Dr. Gordon, Mikael's psychiatrist for a de-briefing session.

When we emerged from Dr. Gordon's downtown office on St. Mary Avenue at 4:15 p.m., we discovered, much to my great distress, that our van and Mons' car were ticketed and towed.

We called Mom and Barbie for help immediately. Mons has an evening class to attend, he called his friend for assistance as well.

In the end, we retrieved our vehicles to the tune of $134 each.

Debbie tried to help me see the hillarity of the misadventures, but failed miserably. I feel miserable.

Lord, you are telling me something. Please make it clear to a less than intelligent man as I.

I'll see what today may bring.

Letter to My Son, Mikael

November 11, 2009

Dear Mikael, my precious, dearly beloved and missed son,

I miss you so much already! My heart is broken without your earthly presence.

When I tried to resuscitate you yesterday morning, it was my last embrace and kiss for you, Mikael.

You lived a Godly life, a colourful life, a life that is full of adventures that was beyond human comprehension. What I just said is not a hyperbole; nor is it a metaphor. No one has the will power, imagination, and gumption to do the things you did so daringly well, like riding solo on your bike all the way to Sioux Ste. Marie in 12 days, jumping over tall buildings, kayaking in the Assiniboine in April just after ice-break-up, driving all the way to Kananaskas, Alberta to climb the foothills with your brother, Konrad, and so much more.

Quoting directly from your will, you gave me an exceptional advice on how to live when you wrote, ”A life full of friendships and close relations; a life full of love; a life full of music; a life full of adventure and activity; a life full of contemplation and spirituality. If I can achieve this, and I think I'm living life to the fullest right now, by those definitions, death is welcome at any time.”

I am so happy that you knew you had lived your life to its fullness. You certainly had attained all your goals within a brief life time. I am particularly humbled that at such a young age, you had the wisdom to discern that the things that can be counted may not count, but the things that cannot be counted, count. None of your goals in life had anything to do with fame, fortune, and success as measured by the world.

Kael, you were indeed a superman! Not a metaphor either.

Now, you’re safe and sound, happy and painless in Heaven with God, the three Guys whom you read about and we had talks on after you had finished reading The Shack.

How does God look, sound, feel, and be like? He must be so glorious and an essence of warm tingling love!

Mikael, say “hi” to God for me, and tell Him I am so sorry for all my sins that nailed Him on the cross. I want to be with God, too. But, now, I want to be with you.

Mikael, it must have been a very trying life which you lived. You must have to fight off valiantly, as you did on Saturday night, the lies of the enemy and your heavy self-doubt.

From what I see and where I stand, there IS NO DOUBT who you were and what you did. You were a young man of honour, noble spirit, gentle heart, and deep faith in a loving Triune God. All you did in your life and all you were attested to that fact.

I wish I had written this letter two days before and told you what I think you are… a masterpiece of God, His poema.

Mikael, in the past two years, we had talked and done so much together, including moving you out, and moving you back home. I will always treasure the canoe trip we had together this past August at Caddy Lake, and the trails we walked. You lived your keenest when you were in the outdoors, climbing a hill or canoeing in swift currents.

This afternoon, the Carneys came over to grieve our collective loss with us. We all agreed, one after another, about your zest for life, living to the hilt.

Heather and Sean shared with me your last good-bye e-mails to them. God! Why was I not attentive to catch you before you fell?

Kael, you were a great son, a faithful servant of God, and an inspiration to all!

“Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24. Your life has been positively impactful, and your death, though tragic, is a call-to-arms to follow God no matter what, as you had so faithfully done.

I love you, son, and I shall always cherish memories of you as long as I live on this earth before I join you on the other side of the Great Divide.

Much love and affection,

Your Dad on earth